May 20, 2024

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Adolph Hitler Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

by Maggie Van Ostrand

It has just been announced by a spokesperson for the Nobel Prize Committee, that the 2005 Nobel Peace Prize is to be awarded posthumously to Adolph Hitler, Austrian-born leader of the German state, and head Nazi dude of the 30s and 40s.

Prior to learning of the death of the Fuhrer (Supreme Commander), it was widely thought he and nymphomaniac wife, Eva Brunhilda Braun-Hitler, had been in Argentina learning to speak a combination of Spanish and German known as Sperman, while seductively dancing the tango in jack boots and a gas mask.

Proof of Hitler's death consisted of a full set of dentures accompanied by dental records which were surreptitiously forwarded to the Caffimage editor-in-chief through confidential sources in the CIA. That the teeth were Hitler's could not be denied due to six hasenpfeffer-stained mustache hairs which remained caught between the incisors and labeled as Herr Hitler's Hairs.

Herr Hitler will join such illustrious company as former American president Jimmy Carter, who received the prestigious award in 2002 for building more asbestos huts for hard-up Americans than any president before him, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, who received the award in 2001 in recognition of having invented the most creative bookkeeping known to man with the subtitle, "Cash for Secret Cayman Island Account," and Chairman Yasser Arafat of the P.L.O., for eschewing a hand buzzer when shaking the hand of Shimon Peres, Foreign Minister of Israel.

Heirs of Herr Hitler will receive the coveted award at the 2005 ceremony to be held in Manhattan's new Mayor Blumberg Center for Performing Sports and Steroid Research, formerly known as The Rudy Giuliani Center of Marital Advice.

The ceremonies will be blessed by Pope Hymie, the first Jewish pope in history, who was voted in by white smokers after the death of the first Polish pope, John Paul II, who was found to have been stuffed and mechanized eight years ago by ruling-behind-the-scenes cardinals Duffy and Nestor. The Stuff the Pope Project was both funded and designed by Disney's Pixar Animation Group.

After the blessing, the posthumous award will be permanently housed in Hitler's Holocaustal Follies Museum in downtown Calgary.

Ironically, Alfred Nobel, who also invented dynamite, had the same comments at its first successful detonation as Hitler had at his first successful date with Eva, "Now that's what I call a blow job."


©2013 Maggie Van Ostrand, all rights reserved.