May 20, 2024

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Camilla's Milliner

by Maggie Van Ostrand

What's wrong with a head that requires ten fittings for one hat? I'll send a dollar to anybody who ever knew a woman who required ten fittings for one hat. A hat, not a bridal veil or a crown or anything fancy, but just an ordinary hat, the kind you buy, jam on your head, and move on.

Referring to the head size of Camilla Parker-Bowles, her milliner, Phillip Treacy, said people will be surprised by how "fabulous" the bride will look. Meanwhile Mrs Parker Bowles has been placed on a "best-dressed" list. Now Scotland Yard's involved by reporting. that the rumour of Camilla's attempts at obtaining permission to wear the hat of a London Bobby as a tribute to the common masses is unfounded. Phillip Treacy said "No comment."

Scotland Yard also announced that the truck containing a brown box with BOMB painted it which penetrated Royal security at Windsor Castle was commissioned by the late fashion designer Chanel to publicize her ghostly opinion. Metropolitan Police Chief Ian Blair said an investigation is under way.

Camilla's outfit has been created by London-based couturier Anna Valentine, who gave no details about the colour, fabric or design, only that "It's very elegant. It definitely suits Mrs Parker Bowles and she feels relaxed in it." If her hips get any more relaxed, they'll sink over her ankles. That might endanger the new shoes designed by Linda Bennett. Designer Bennett took practical considerations into account for the wedding shoes, advising, "They're very elegant but had to be comfortable at the same time because Mrs Parker Bowles is going to be walking around a lot on the day."

She'd be walking around a lot more had the wedding been at Westminster with it's long aisle, as was the "other" wedding to Diana. Oh, that's right, they aren't holding the nuptials there because apologizing for their sinful behaviour couldn't be heard in such a large hall without both parties wearing unsightly microphones. Camilla eschewed a mike, giving as her reason, "A Consorting Princess does not emulate Madonna."

Madonna wasn't invited to the wedding, but Joan Rivers was. What did it cost Joan to get the invitation? She had to put Camilla into her Will, and she has to sit on the bride's side of the aisle.

Another guest on that side of the aisle will be ex-husband Andrew Parker Bowles. His attendance is mandatory as latent punishment for the affair he had with Princess Ann.

And Princess Ann's father, Prince Phillip, said he cannot attend the wedding of his son, Charles, because he "has a prior dinner engagement."

Weathermen say it is set to rain on Saturday, with Windsor having quite chilly temperatures of 6C (43F), which is considerably lower than the seasonal average of 12C (54F). The wedding reception is expected to also be quite chilly.


©2013 Maggie Van Ostrand, all rights reserved.