November 25, 2015

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Maggie Van Ostrand

Gravity Sucks: Hollywood's Answer To a Face In Free Fall

by Maggie Van Ostrand


If you're watching your spending, buy cosmetics at the hardware store. You can stop laughing now — their products work as well as anything advertised because magazine ads don't use women who look like they're among the living. Even when I was 20, I didn't have those dark blots around the eyes they do, I've always weighed more than 80 pounds, and, in tight jeans, my legs never looked like a tuning fork.


I started shopping at the hardware store soon after wrinkles appeared, not around the eyes which I was prepared for with a dozen pairs of big sunglasses, but around the mouth where sunglasses looked stupid. I did toy with the idea of changing religions so I could wear one of those burquas that has a drop cloth for your face with a little eye window. Then, after talking with a professional makeup man, I hit pay dirt. He told me about Nigel.

Nigel's is a beauty emporium in Hollywood, California, that has serviced Hollywood stars for decades, sells supplies to makeup artists of the stars, and employs experts who teach classes for movie special effects. They are considered more than a beauty supply store, they are an emporium, dealing with more products than a mere store or salon. Nigel's can also apply your makeup as well as teach you how to do it yourself. They sell wigs and hair for places where you want it and how to take it off from places that you don't. They sell brushes so soft, the skin cannot even feel their touch, hundreds of lipstick shades for any skin color, and they actually sell temporary ways to appear younger than you are. Bette Davis used a product that hooked skin at the hairline, yanked the wrinkles off her face and pulled them right up into her hair where they remained unseen for enough hours to appear on tv shows. She looked smooth and much younger. Of course it hurt like hell, but still ...

So I figure we have three ways of combatting visible face ageing. (1) surgery, (2) Nigel's and (3) Ace Hardware. I hear they're having a sale on spackle. 



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  • The Lange Foundation
    Angel of mercy Gillian Lange founded this dog and cat rescue organization, as well as The Amanda Foundation. If someone you know lost a pet, you can sponsor a rescued animal for the bereaved owner in the lost pet's name. No greater gift can you give.
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