TRUMP OUTS SANTA
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Associated Press reports the U.S. Department of Homeland Security caught Santa Claus attempting to illegally enter the United States from Mexico by flying his sleigh over the skyscraping fence erected by and named after President Donald Trump.
When Santa lived way up north, somewhere above Alaska, his transportation consisted of eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, but, after his deportation to Mexico on grounds of having been birthed in Hawaii and not in the United States, he hired a team of burros called The Flying Wallendas.
By the time AP arrived on scene, The Donald's hench-minions were already following their Profiling Handbook and detaining Santa for two offenses: having facial hair, and carrying contraband. "All toys packed on this sleigh are made in China, assembled in Mexico, and must pay U.S. import taxes, and even then, you must buy permission to enter," they said, as Santa frantically grabbed his cell phone and called Mrs. Claus.
"You simply cannot continue at this rate," she cautioned. "Your blood pressure is already sky high and if you get sick, who will supervise making the toys?" She reminded Santa that the elves' union rep had said they could not work the assembly line because they couldn't speak Chinese. "They need more background checks, before authorities find out they're just little kids and not elves. You must agree that this is the most serious matter to crop up since we were deported."
Back when President Trump decreed that Santa was deportation worthy, there had been many things to do. They had to buy property from Trump Realty, vast enough to accommodate a wood shop featuring lessons in carving wood with guns instead of knives, a LEGO building staffed with figs writing How-to- Articulate-Buildings-of-Wood-and-Brick apps, a robotics center on how to build a human, and a separate Barbie building with dolls that included instructions to little girls on how to remove their own ribs to get a waist like hers, while Oprah fan-Barbie dolls are equipped with their own monthly magazine and an air-brush kit.
With population growing at an alarming rate since the overturning of Roe v Wade, simultaneously with the repeal of the 19th Amendment, there seemed to be endless demand for more toys as well as new kitchens in which to keep women barefoot and pregnant. Yes, moving south had been an enormous undertaking. However, after negotiations between Trump Realty and the Mexican village of Trumpito, an ideal property was located, and the deal closed. Trump filed early bankruptcy papers to save his time down the line, and save his money by never having to pay for parts or labor. But no mention was made that Santa would not be re-admitted into the United States to deliver Christmas toys to American kids. "President Trump had not been truthful," Santa lamented to Mrs. Claus, "I can hardly believe it."
Neither the trusting Santa nor his wife was aware that their activities had long been monitored by Homeland Security's Covert Operations cubicle. Even though Santa had his own private server at home, his emails, private phone calls, and movements were secretly stored on an iCloud hovering over Wall Street. Authorities had never been suspicious when Santa entered the U.S. from the north but, from the south, it was a burro of a different color.
"You let Superman in without a green card. Why not me?" cried a frustrated Santa.
"We let all Marvel characters in," said the hench-minion, "but you are just a fat guy in a red suit so turn this vehicle around and get out of our air space."
Santa, realizing that he could be dispatched to Guantanamo for questioning without even knowing the charges, hastily signaled lift-off to The Flying Wallendas by laying a finger aside of his nose, and crying out Santa's 2015 Message to American Kids of All Ages:
You're not getting a drone
You're not getting a phone
You're not getting a Minecraft by Lego
Tho' you may think you are,
You're not getting a car
You'll not even get bacon with Eggo
Star Wars won't Awaken,
when your seat’s not taken.
You won't see your photos on Flickr
So you may feel left out
Like sour with no kraut
See me only in the Pedia called Wickr